Together We Can ...

There are things in life which we can do nothing about,
Time will make the decision,
And we have to accept it as our destiny.

There are things which decide our motivation,
Feeling of inability can often break the determination,
And we tend to define it as our boundary.

There are things which determine our exertion,
Knowledge enables pursuit of aspiration,
And we can avail it as our opportunity.

There are things which we aspire to achieve,
Contributions along the path can reform the condition,
And we can name it our philanthropy.

There are things which we condition ourselves to do,
Paying it forward makes way for inspiration,
And together we can improve our community.
---

I originally posted this poem as a Facebook note dedicated to anyone involved in community service – small or big, directly or indirectly, putting in time, money or both.  Today, this came up as a Facebook memory and I thought of adding this to our list of refreshing perceptions. 

Run Baby, Run ...

Our baby, now five years old, needs a lot of prompting to run. Given a choice, he would be happy to stay put in one place. We are always trying to find something to motivate him to run. Thankfully, our efforts seem to be paying off. Not enough to get him to Olympics, if some of you thought of Olympics on seeing the picture with rings. The sharp-eyed would have spotted there are seven rings instead of the usual five. To be clear, this article is not about Olympics. However, it is all about those seven rings. Now, what are those seven rings? They look like flimsy cheap plastic rings. And yes, they are! They may look worthless to many. To him, they are the precious results of his efforts. Recently, he participated in a fun run event where kids were given jelly bands for each round they complete.

It just amazed us to see him get charged up after collecting each band. The other thing that wiped away his tiredness was the huge crowd in front of the school.The cheering by the crowd of parents and teachers made him run faster for that section. He would wave his hand in the air as if acknowledging all the applause. To him, it looked like all the people were appreciating him. High-fives from his dad waiting in the stands added to the encouragement. I was running along with him and had to remind him to slow down and take it easy so that he could continue in the run for more time.

After the run was over, the real fun started. There were a lot of carnival style games and rides which we all enjoyed. This was another thing that had motivated him to run. He knew the carnival would only start after the run. Though it was possible to simply wait somewhere for the carnival to start, he ran the whole time. He was so glad to have done the maximum allowed rounds.

When I think about that day, I realize the event conveyed a lot of things to me. It showed me his endurance. Maybe, he had it all the time but lacked motivation. And what did he need for motivation? Nothing great. Only a few small immediate rewards like the jelly bands. I guess that is the case with most of us too. We need some sort of immediate acknowledgment for our work. Of course, a grand prize at the end is something that will keep us going for more. In this case, the carnival and rides were the grand prizes.

What else matters? Appreciation, encouragement, and feedback. We need someone to believe in us and make our actions feel worthy. It can act as the confidence booster for the rest of our journey in an unfamiliar land. For our baby, the huge cheering crowd made him feel appreciated. And high-fives from his dad were a positive encouragement. The feedback to take it easy helped him complete the run. All this shows us how important it is to have a network of people who appreciate our work. And any positive encouragement adds to the fuel. Being open to feedback and suggestions is equally important. There are numerous paths to achieve the same goal. You can always take short-cuts and get to a prize. Some short-cuts may be required too. We just have to be happy with our choices. I would say our personal satisfaction is the icing on the cake.

If I delve into more abstractions, I would call life as a race. Either we are running or life is taking us towards different goals at different paces. Along the way, we need to take some time to enjoy a few cakes, preferably with delicious icing. Now that my run with these set of words is coming to an end, it is time for me to have some cake with a little bit of icing !

P.S: This is a copy of a note that I had posted in FB around two and half years ago after a fun run event. Today, when our little guy completed a 5K running non-stop, I am reminded of this note and adding it to our list of refreshing perceptions.

The Story of My Experience with Gandhi

When I hear Mahatma Gandhi, the first thing that comes to my mind is the scene from the movie "Gandhi" where he gets thrown out of a train in South Africa. That scene made it clear to me that I was indeed watching Gandhi movie for the second time. If you are wondering why I couldn't make out which movie I was watching, I should add that I am talking about the time when I was around five years of age. I don't think I knew to read at that age. When my older cousins and uncle wanted to watch the movie, my father decided to take them and I had to tag along. Since I had barely sat through that movie the first time, I was not told which movie we were going to. I went along without realizing what I was being dragged into.

The moment I saw the scene where Gandhiji was thrown off the train, I decided to call it a day. How can they expect me to sit and watch all that violence again? Totally out of question! I made enough noise that my father had to step out of the theater with me. Interestingly, that movie complex was one which had more than one theater, not a common thing in those days. One of the operators took us into the projector room from which a local movie named "Belt Mathai" was being shown. I remember the excitement of being in the projector room and watching a song from that movie. It may not have been the best movie of the times. To the five year old, it was so much better than having to sit through the violence in Gandhi!

Isn't it strange that I associated Gandhi with violence when he was actually an epitome of non-violence? The five-year old had completely missed the message conveyed through the movie and the greatness that had made him "Mahatma" (great soul). The history lessons in my later school years were mainly about his struggle for independence and of course, the emphasis was on memorizing dates and facts about the various events. A variety of literature and media gave me some glimpses of his principles. However, I never got a full picture of his life: of how he saw it as a set of experiments and a series of transformations through the path of truth.

On a recent visit to the library, I picked up a book about Gandhi for the kids. When I read that book, I realized I didn't know much about this great person and how he came to be so. That prompted me to get a copy of his auto-biography "The Story of My Experiments with Truth" which I have been reading since the last few weeks. I'm only halfway through this English translation but it has been such an eye-opener. What appealed to me the most was the fact that Gandhiji mentions everything as his experiments asking one to accept things only after doing experiments themselves. Though the biggest messages are that of Ahimsa (non-violence) and Satyagraha (holding on to truth), the numerous subtle messages conveyed throughout the book are simple yet refreshing .

Maintaining health through an easy exercise like walking; ensuring hygiene and cleanliness of surroundings; being self sufficient and open to performing any type of work; working towards a common cause by co-operating with people who may differ in views in other areas; treating people from different religions and classes of society without boundaries - these are just a few of the elementary yet pragmatic messages. I should rather say they are examples as they were not intended as rules that should be followed blindly. Most of them are put forth as scientific experiments with a hypothesis, process and evidence.


In the book, Gandhiji writes about his early life and the stage till he became a well-known public figure. It is fascinating to see the transformation: from a man who went abroad for education and livelihood and tried to fit into the social circles of his profession to the great person who fought against prejudice and injustice without any form of violence. Despite the fact that the translation makes the language flow a little choppy, it is a wonderful book and I am looking forward to the rest of it. It is time for me to end my write-up and go back to reading the autobiography of this great man. Let me stop with his simple yet deeply insightful thought: "You must be the change you wish to see in the world."

Mr. Fraud

It was a busy day. I had just finished a long phone conversation and was about to get my evening dose of caffeine. The phone rang again and I picked it up without even looking at the caller id. A deep voice at the other end asked me if he could speak to my husband and that he was looking for him to resolve an issue. I thought it was one of his colleagues calling about some urgent issue in office. I asked him if there is any specific message. The person repeated in the same serious tone that he had an arrest warrant for my husband. If he did not report to the police in two hours, they will proceed with deporting him back to India. My mind rushed to where my husband was. He must be on his way back from work. Did he hit something on the road or was he hit by someone? My mind filled with these dreadful thoughts, I asked the caller what had happened. It seems my husband has committed some tax fraud and IRS had sent couple of notifications to which they did not receive any response. Such cases are treated seriously and can result in deportation and orders to stop employment. I breathed a sigh of relief. At least, he was safe. It was just a tax issue which can be resolved. I said they may be mistaken as we did not receive any such mails. The caller said there was no mistake about it and gave me two specific dates when IRS had sent us mails. It was April 2014 and these notifications were sent way back in April and June of 2013. 

Well, what was this person talking about? My head was aching after the long day and I needed a cup of coffee. And I have very limited knowledge about financial affairs. So I told him, "You need to call back later to talk to my husband to sort this out". Then the voice became deeper and he said that since we file taxes jointly, I am considered as an accomplice to the fraud. They need to discuss the options with me to resolve this before they fax his warrant to the local sheriff office. My mind went back to figure out what possible tax fraud we can commit. Being salaried employees, I did not see any way we could commit a fraud. Maybe there was an unintentional mistake  in some entry, maybe we entered the tax breaks from childcare and non-profit donations wrongly. I had to find out. But I also had to warn my husband. So I started texting him some one-liners: "you going to be arrested", "IRS calling", "tax fraud". Waiting for his replies, I asked the caller what the tax fraud was about. He explained to me how there has been a mistake in the salary entered for one year. Hence there was a tax payment difference. Since this was not paid after two mail notices, the case was handed over to their department.

What was this person blabbering? And why is my husband not replying? I told him "I do not understand a word of what you are saying" And the voice at the other end became softer. "Madam, do you need an interpreter?", it asked. "Interpreter for what?" I blurted out. "An interpreter in your local language", it said. I thought for a moment and decided talking to someone from same country may be good. I said "Malayalam". The line went on hold. Before this, I had also managed to type in some one-liner emails to my husband with the same content as in the text messages. While waiting for someone who can translate things in Malayalam, I tried to call my husband on my cell phone. I knew I had to talk fast and started saying "IRS calling, check your email". Before I could finish my conversation, the land line went live with a greeting in Malayalam. And I started talking in Malayalam. My husband cut the cell phone line and in few minutes, I saw his email reply "what is wrong with you?". I just typed back "Come home soon".

This new person, who was speaking in my local language, started explaining a lot of intricate tax details. He told about some lien and levy notice. I thought I just have to stall him as my husband will be here soon. So I kept acting dumb. It did not need much effort from my side to do that! I kept asking to explain each term "lien, levy". He patiently spelled each word and gave some definitions. When I mentioned that we will call you back as soon as my husband is home, he said "Madam, I am only an interpreter and the line is being recorded. I can only provide you the options that my senior officers passed to me. Do you want to hear them? If you cut the phone now, there may be some immediate actions in your husband's name". Well, go ahead, I thought. He presented me with an option to pay the past due taxes immediately. Once we pay them, we will be given the case id and we can take our forms to IRS. In case there is no fraud, the money will be re-imbursed.

Now, this was taking an interesting turn. They are asking for money and this set a red alarm in my head. I told them such things cannot be done on phone. I demanded a call back number to confirm who is actually calling. His voice changed and he asked "Are you doubting an IRS officer?". I told him I have the right to confirm who is calling. I can stay on the line but if you give me a number, I can call from my cell phone and you can keep listening to the conversation. He was quick to give me a number. I told him that I will check if this number is listed in IRS web site. Now, he seemed to start beating around the bush. He went into a long explanation about how their department "Tax Crime Investigation Unit" is a secret department which does not publish any phone numbers to avoid calls from people. He said we are not the only ones doing such fraud and they cannot afford to take calls from the huge fraud-committing population. How comforting to know we have a lot of company in the fraud -committing group! And that I just have one more hour to make the decision.

I asked for other options. And he was ready with the alternative. He suggested I may call our criminal lawyer to arrange bail for my husband. What did he think? That I have the phone numbers of criminal lawyers at my finger tips? I told him that is not possible. So what is the next option? He now became very supportive. "Your husband will not be harmed but will be accompanied to the jail by a law enforcement officer. You will have time to call a lawyer and get him out with a bail", he said as if to console me. Okay, what a hassle I thought. And where is my dear husband? What is taking him so long?

The interpreter said the only way to pay government agencies is through a bond and I can get them only by going to a bank or Walmart in person. What is this bond thing? Suddenly, it looked convincing as he did not ask for any credit card or online payment. I thought it was like a check or demand draft made in someone's name and can only go to designated agency. "Well, now this may be something that can be done but I am on the phone with you? How can I get the bond?" I asked. He had a ready solution, "Don't worry madam. We can do a three-way call with your cell phone." And he called my cell phone.

At this moment, my husband entered the room. His face was quite red. I signaled him to be quiet. And started writing down the things that happened so far. He was like "Have you gone mad? Cut the phone. It is a fraud!". I did not think twice. Seeing him safe was all I needed to snap out of it and cut the line. Now that our "Mr. Fraud" movie ended, a "Family Feud" episode started. My husband started letting out his frustration at me being so dumb. I was ready with my line of defense "You know how I can be as dumb as one can be. But, why didn't you reply to my texts and emails properly?"

Then, his side of story poured out. When he saw my text, he thought someone may have stolen my phone and was just sending such crazy messages to bug him. I was not satisfied with that answer. I pointed to him that we spoke and I had asked him to check his email. Now, his story became interesting. When he checked his email, he realized it was not someone else but me who was sending such out of context texts and messages. And after saying "IRS calling", he had heard me talk in Malayalam! So what IRS was I talking to?  IRS in Kerala? That had made him think that I lost my mind like the wife character in Malayalam movie "Kadinjool Kalyanam". That was the only reason he rushed home - to check what was wrong with me. And I told him, "Only reason I was stalling and talking on the phone was to make sure you are safe. See, we are so concerned about each other.  Isn't that true love?" My mushy dialog (pynkili dialog for those who understand Malayalam) made us both burst out laughing and ended the family feud episode.

It was still April and maybe it was a delayed April Fool prank. And instead of being fooled, I ended up making a fool of Mr.Fraud! My husband did not concede with that. He thinks another phone call with a different line can easily bring out the April fool hiding in me. The rest of the evening went about laughing over this and reading about the scam. As soon as I hung up, I searched and got the scam news from CBS. My husband was surprised that a search expert like me could not get the same while I was talking. And all I had to say was "Love makes people blind!"

And for those of you who are interested to get the scam details,check out:http://www.cbsnews.com/news/irs-warns-of-biggest-tax-scam-ever/

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This was originally written as a facebook note on April 4, 2014. In spite of couple of IRS fraudsters being caught beginning of this year, these calls still continue! Looking back, this crazy incident is something we often laugh about. I am copying it to this blog as it qualifies to be in the list of our refreshing perceptions !

Nonstick ??? From the Frying Pan into the Mouth !!!

Do you miss those chemistry lessons from school? Then, just head over to the kitchen section of a store. Browsing through the vast array of cookware is like taking a lesson in chemistry. There are just too many types of materials these days. From age-old cast iron and stainless steel to hard-anodized aluminum and a variety of chemical coatings like Teflon and Thermalon, nowadays, there are even stone-derived nonstick pans. If the materials do not make any sense, there are numerous chemical acronyms to help: BPA, PTFE, PFOA. A peek at the labels is enough to make any novice shopper realize that the more acronyms they find with the "-free" suffix, safer would be the product. If you are wondering what I am referring to, take a look at this post about nonstick cookware: What's In Your Non-Stick?

Cooking vessels : choose a type

In the last few years, there has been an increasing amount of research going on for everything including cookware material. A lot of data is being generated with the intent to help consumers. As newer brands come out with attempts to make the surfaces nonstick, they also release warnings and chemical jargon that can stick to our minds. We are prompted to think deeply before choosing even the most trivial items for day to day life. Who knows what is safe? Who knows what will be banned next? Who knows what will be the next cool thing? Aaargh! Did someone just say ignorance is bliss ?

Traveling back to a point in time when I was ignorant of such complexities, there were other struggles in the kitchen. It was the phase when my kitchen used to be a science lab. I was in experimental mode trying to understand the basics of cooking. What types of food would burn if I didn't add any water vs what would turn soggy if I did add water ? What would turn mushy if cooked too much vs what would stay like a rock unless pressure cooked? Almost all recipes required a long distance call to my mom for troubleshooting. Slowly, I reached a point where I could figure out the basics and started to venture into more adventurous dishes.

One day, I called home to get the recipe for a sweet dish for an upcoming dinner party. My mom is an expert in preparing this sweet which we call "duddali" in local language. The main ingredient "rava", a fine powder based on semolina, has to be roasted in clarified butter and then cooked with milk, sugar and other flavors. It sounds easy but the difficult part is managing the stickiness that would emerge when this rava is mixed with any liquid. In addition to the steps, I got all the tips and tricks for the recipe from my mom. Then my dad came on the line and added in his suggestion, "Make sure it does not stick". I gave him a confident and reassuring reply "Don't worry. I am going to use a nonstick pan to prepare this". He replied in the same cool tone, "Well, I was not referring to the pan but to the end result. Do your guests have nonstick mouths?". Aaargh! I wanted to scream. My evolving culinary skills were being questioned! I paused for a moment and my funny bone took over. I just replied "We'll find out if mouths too come with nonstick coating !!!"

Copying is bad ... but WHY ???

I was flipping through a magazine when this ad from Cadillac caught my attention. The quote "It is better to fail in originality, than to succeed in imitation" reminded me of a conversation that we had at home.

Originality vs Imitation

When my son was in Pre-K, he had a best friend. They were always together, choosing the same activities and doing the same things. I thought it was wonderful to find a best friend but his teacher perceived it differently. She thought he was not making his own choices but simply copying his friend. She wanted him to be independent and suggested we talk to him about it. That evening, I started off the conversation telling him "Copying is bad ...". I stalled to think how I could explain why it is bad. Of course, copying is like stealing someone's work or idea. However, that reasoning was not completely relevant in this context. So, how can I put it across?

As if she heard my question, my six year old daughter shouted out "Copying is bad because it shuts down your thinking". Wow! That was such a simple way to put it. One needs to develop individual thinking skills to grow and be independent. How did a six year old come up with this? Before I could ask, she continued enlightening us with what she had learned from one of her teachers. 

For new activities or lessons, the teacher would show them an example which they can copy. When asked to work on their own, they are not supposed to copy from others. They have to complete the task by themselves. If they copy, it will shut down their own power to think. The teacher's words conveyed the message in a simple yet powerful way. After all, who would want to do something that would shut down their thinking. So, WHY copy ?

What's for dinner today ?

"That's a surprise! The menu is still being planned." used to be our answer to this question from friends who we invite over for dinner. It was better to keep the menu a secret when the dish being prepared could end up as a surprise even for the cook. Many times, we have had to stash away a few dishes as they were not fit to be served to our friends. In those early days of cooking, I used to give this answer only occasionally. Now, after years of cooking, I give this answer more frequently!

In spite of the efforts to ramp up my cooking skills, the end result of tried and tested recipes is still not guaranteed. However, that is not the main reason for giving the same answer. Now, the question "What's for dinner today?" gets asked almost daily - by our kids! And this answer, to a large extent, avoids mealtime battles. When preparing something the kids already like, I give them the exact answer. When making something new which they have not yet tried, I beat around the bush saying I am not sure what I am making. Hearing the name of a new item or a dish made with an ingredient they did not like on first try sets the stage for an outright NO.

Rewinding back to my childhood, I can still remember how I used to say NO to any dish which had the slightest trace of yoghurt in it. I never used to like yoghurt. After umpteen tries from my parents, both of whom love it, I still could not eat it when I was in India. After coming to the U.S, I realized it was the smell that I did not like. In India, the yoghurt always has a strong smell which I still find difficult to tolerate. So much for having a long nose! That aside, the part that defies my current logic is why I used to not try any dish that had just a few drops of yoghurt. Call that the height of my pickiness!

Coming back to the present, life being really busy and a struggle to balance time between family and work, it is not easy to prepare something to cater to each person in the family. Though it is easy to let kids snack and eat something packaged and processed, that is not something we prefer. All of us eating the same meal without too many complaints would be ideal. Realizing there will always be a few things that each of us detest or can't tolerate, the aim is to keep that list minimal and keep our minds open to try new things.

Easy as it may sound, it is quite an effort to develop a positive attitude towards new varieties of food. Sometimes the trick lies in understanding what one does not like about a particular dish or ingredient. In our son's case, it is the texture that matters more. Using a different method to cook or coating with crunchy elements usually gets things past his texture test. For my daughter, she can't tolerate the heat of chillies and pepper. Reducing the heat or alternating a bite of hot food with cooling foods like yoghurt and fruits lets her savor the rest of the flavors. Once they start liking something, it is easy to leave out many of these customizations.

The nice thing was that the efforts at home were reinforced by my daughter's Pre-K teacher. As we speak another language at home, my daughter used to attend an ESL(English as Second Language) program. There was a good mix of kids from different cultures and countries. When the teacher hosted class events and lunches, she would insist that the kids be served a little of everything. She used to say that parents tend to give kids what they like trying to get past a meal without any hassles. She did make an excellent point.

After that year, I could see a great change in our daughter's approach to food. She is willing to give anything at least one try. With a little more effort to get past his stubbornness, her brother is also following suit.  Both of them have become more appreciative of cooking, fascinated to see an  ingredient they don't like being transformed into something they relish. They find it very interesting to say "I don't like tomato but I love tomato rice or if it is mixed in chaat (a savory Indian snack)",  "I don't like papaya but I love this yellow curry made from it", "I don't like pears but I like it mixed with walnuts". The list is long and I can keep writing but it's time to get started with dinner preparations.

Now, if you ask me, "What's for dinner today?", my reply would be "That's a surprise!". Believe me, the menu is still being planned!